.. being 25
Now that I’m 25, it didn't take me long to realise that I know nothing about being 25. I'd take a wild guess and say that it probably took me around 25 seconds. maybe.
It also didn't take me long to feel this immensely heavy strain in my chest before I blew out the candles on my birthday cake this year. Everyone tells you to make a wish before blowing out the candles of a birthday cake. As I was holding a one-pound homemade no-bake blueberry cheesecake in my hands, looking down at a two-piece pink and blue sparkling ‘25’ candle, I wondered - why was I so extremely anxious this time?
Nevertheless, what does it mean to make a wish? Making a birthday wish before blowing out the candles is a tradition that symbolises hope for the future, surprises, ambition, and reflection on past experiences. Yet, this year, I found myself more retrospective than usual.
My wish was to pause where I was and have the opportunity to relive the past five years of my life. Of course, that's not possible, but logic and reason had left me at that point. I was panicking because it felt like reality had finally caught up with me - I was turning 25, and I was nowhere near where I thought I would be at this age if you had asked me five years earlier. It seemed I had lost control over my life. I had been free-flowing through the weeks, months, and years as if the concept of time didn't exist. Most days, I was not fully aware of what the date was or which day of the week it was simply because I wasn’t paying any attention. I had just taken the days, and the weeks, and the months, and the years for granted. Simultaneously, I was obsessing over time: the time I was wasting, the time I didn’t have, the constant running out of time to do certain things because of my 9 to 5, or not having time to go out with friends or call my family which is on the other side of Europe. This dissonance between the two polar opposite states proved to be an odd phenomenon when I went over it with my therapist - you don’t have an idea what day it is but you are fixed over the lack of time. Part of this seems to me now like analysis paralysis - where I would get so hung up on thinking about all of the things that I want to do or should be doing to leave me unable to make a decision on what to actually do and end up not doing anything at all instead.
A few days after my birthday, I had to complete a form that required me to select the age group I belonged to. Confidently and without a second thought, I ticked the 18-24 box, only to realise, a mere second later, that I now belong to the 25-34 age group. I will repeat this again - I now belong to the age group 25 - 34. 34. I'm in the second half of my twenties, approaching 30. At this moment, all I was feeling was ‘old’ - just 'old’, understand it however you want. That tiny little square of a box had made me question my whole perception of who I thought I was and who I identified myself as - which up until that moment was as a twenty-something-year-old. The self-proclaimed title of a twenty-something felt as if it was taken away from me (obv I was overreacting given I have another 4 years and 327 days until I turn 30) but it was genuinely how I felt. I knew, for whatever reason, on that day that I could no longer call myself that. Who was I if I wasn’t a twenty-something-year-old then?
The truth is, I have allowed the last couple of years to pass me by, even though it seemed like I've been "doing things." What things? Things. Doing things: an activity that does not involve doing chores in any way or form but also does not have a specific aim or expectation behind it, most of the time. It could be writing - which in itself is a very broad term. Writing can take many different forms, including writing WhatsApp messages. ha. ha. I suppose that would classify more as texting rather than writing. But it could also be reading or creating mood boards for the five thousand project ideas that come to mind when I'm supposed to be ‘productive’ and finally finish that project I started working on before the coronavirus pandemic began.
Combine free-flowing through your days + 'doing things' + analysis paralysis over 'what’s the time’ and you have a recipe for someone who's allowing life to pass them by while they try to 'figure things out'. Someone who is constantly waiting to be 'ready'. Someone who is deciding which project to present to the world first. A person who is constantly working on creating plans for how to present their projects to the world, but then questions if the work is good enough to be shared with people. *"Everything that's exposed, well, it goes stale" is a quote that crosses my mind every time I'm debating if I should share something I've been working on.
All those emotions and internal monologues make me question if what I'm feeling right now is what I'm supposed to feel at the age of 25. All of these things seem more like early twenties experiences than mid-twenties, don't they? If that's the case, why am I feeling these things now rather than three years ago? Is this my equivalent of the pandemic skip?
I recently read an article about the concept of the pandemic skip. The term was used to illustrate a feeling of dislocation that some people experience after the coronavirus pandemic. This disorientation is akin to feeling out of sync with one's chronological age and the life stage they are expected to be in.
I feel this year I've finally awakened and realised that the coronavirus pandemic is over, and life has resumed. Naturally, I've been feeling like I want to pick up my life where I left it off when I entered into the pandemic, which was when I was 21. At 21, you're not expected to know it all. You're not expected to be in a serious relationship with someone, planning to move in together, and considering 'the next steps' in your relationship. You're not expected to be financially mature enough to start planning for purchasing your first home. It feels like I snoozed the alarm for 8 minutes and now I'm in the second half of my twenties, where I'm supposed to start planning for the future and make wise career choices that will contribute to my personal development. I'm three years into my 'serious job’ life, and I still feel like I'm just getting started. Is that a coincidence?
All of this makes me wonder, is it just me being melodramatic about the few years I think I've missed out on in my life due to the coronavirus pandemic, or is this something that has absolutely no correlation with the pandemic, and it's just me being inside my head too much and finding numerous excuses not to put myself out there with my art, with life, with friends and family? Does everyone else feel the same way, or has everyone else decided to dismiss these experiences as a whole and move on with their lives because there’s no time (or point) to dwell on what is considered part of the past now?
Regardless, I might be going into my 25 as if I’m 21 and thinking about how much I don’t know or what I don’t have time for, there might be 25 things I know at the age of 25 which you can read below!
sometimes, the right decisions are not the ones that will make you feel good
things don't go as planned - often
you don't need to plan everything
knowing when to leave is an invaluable skill
it's not easy to write things about nothing
never select a window seat at row 14 on a RyanAir aircraft - there's no window
i don't chase, i attract - what belongs to me will simply find me
downloading Tinder is never a good idea
downloading Bumble is never a good idea, either
practice what you preach - if you ghost me, i'll ghost you too #staytoxic
your relationship with your mum is often similar to your mum's relationship with her mum - observe and take notes
adults are simply children pretending to know what they're doing
your parents will sometimes act like children - see beyond this in those moments and try to give them the love they need but didn't receive when they were such
you don't need to conform to the beliefs that some people around you have about you - everyone is projecting their version of who they think you are in their interactions with you
people will walk over you if you give them even the slightest sign that you don't respect yourself enough
no one will stand up for you when you're in the middle of a heated, absolutely taken out of context, misunderstood argument with a colleague on Slack - politely respond back #staytoxic
people who don't know you well enough will gossip about you, regardless of how you treat them
meditating and praying are the best two grounding techniques you can practice to ease your mind
respond to everything with love - karma knows when to knock on people's doors
to attract new things into your life, you need to make space for them first
there's nothing wrong with watching ‘The Bachelor’ - if anything, it teaches you what not to do around boys
your relationship with God is not defined by social beliefs, stigmas and expectations - you choose your own way of believing in God
you only know the versions of people which they choose to show you
it's a true friendship if both sides are willing to travel for two hours on the tube to meet somewhere in the middle between the two of you in central London
people can't tell you're staring at them when you're wearing sunglasses - however, for some reason, people think you can't tell when they're staring at you when you're wearing sunglasses either
references:
*Dickinson. (2019). [Apple TV]. Directed by Alena Smith. Hudson Valley region of New York, USA: wiip (formerly known as COTA Films) and Anonymous Content.
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