.. letting go of things

Two weeks ago, I made the decision to run a half-marathon. There I said it. It’s officially on the internet, so there is no turning back now. You all know about it, if I don’t complete the Hackney Half on May 19, 2024, it would be.. very embarrassing for me. Therefore, if that happens, I give everyone permission to unsubscribe from my column.

Jokes aside, making the decision to run a half-marathon, much like many other decisions in my life, was accompanied by the usual contemplation about whether I have what it takes to run 21k. Would I be able to run that distance? Is this a reflection of who I am, or is it an unattainable challenge beyond my grasp…

I am not new to running. I’ve been trying to get into running for years, every time without much luck and although I ran my first 5k with Race for Life in Hampstead Heath Park earlier this year, I didn't become the most consistent runner afterwards.. until now. I do remember that 5K race very well though, as it was one of the most difficult experiences I’ve ever had in my life physically. The 33 minutes it took me to complete it felt like an eternity. At various points during the run, I thought there was no way I could finish it, convincing myself that maybe running wasn’t something I was brought on this earth to do... and seeing kids at the age of 6-7 (assumption) running past me wasn’t boosting my confidence either..

On 'the contemplation day,' as I walked on one of the treadmills in the gym, I found myself reflecting on why I signed up for that 5K in the first place and how I felt afterwards. And then it hit me—I've never really pushed myself physically beyond the usual 'try to go to the gym 3-4 times a week' routine and the 5K race. I’ve never attempted to, quite literally, run toward a seemingly “ludicrous and unachievable” physical goal, considering my current shape. Those few times I tried to push myself physically didn't go beyond the discomfort of moving past the 'comfortably uncomfortable' stages, so what I realised was that I needed to make the decision the person I wanted to be would make, instead of asking myself 'Is this who I am right now’. This meant I needed to let go of the beliefs I’d held about myself and fully embrace the discomfort I'd been seeking and, literally, run towards the person I wanted to be.

Surprisingly, two weeks into half-marathon training, I'm genuinely enjoying it! It feels like, for the first time, I'm doing something for myself rather than for external validation. The process of improving my running skills, building resilience, and consistency is bringing unexpected joy. As a 'consequence’ of my running rendezvous and pushing through the ‘comfortably uncomfortable’ stages I have been led into a new phase of my life, one of releasing things out of it.

I don’t know about you, but I have this habit of holding on to things - old T-shirts from 10 years ago, notebooks from my Bulgarian literature classes from high school, or the first sweater I ever bought with my own money which is in the shade of a racing heart. I keep them, not because I still make use of them, but because they represent moments in my life I cannot let go. There’s an intense emotional response going through my body when I see those items or think of them. The reality of holding onto things, however, is that not only I haven’t worn any of these clothes in a long while and I’ve just been moving them from one part of London to another for the past couple of years, but also that I'm simply not allowing myself to change. I’m not making space in my life for new experiences, and emotions, and.. people.

Running this time around has brought me a new perspective on life. Every run feels like a transformative journey towards a future version of me - the person I’ve been striving to become. She has already completed the 21k and is eagerly waiting for me at the other side of the finish line, arms wide open, ready to take me in a clammy embrace. To reach her, however, I have to let go of a lot - both physically and emotionally, which I’m learning how to do right now, so if you’ve been wondering about the packages I’ve been taking to the parcel shops lately - they are little bits and pieces that used to belong to past Aleks - a symbolic shedding of her old skin.

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